Hey, I graduated high school two days ago on Tuesday. I don’t think anyone really cares though. I’ve waited for that moment for a really long time. High school was tough. No one understands how difficult it was for me.
I can already feel my friends distancing themselves. I felt it in the last three-ish weeks of school. I didn’t know what to do about it though, so I just let it happen. Guess that makes me just as bad.
Your documentary came on the day I graduated. Besides being super tired and not wanting to move, I skipped out on Sober Grad and celebrating just so I could watch it. You rock. So proud of you.
So now I have my last free summer. Uni orientation is the 20th. I’m going to Santa Barbara after that with Olivia and her family. I’m excited. Haven’t been out of the valley in a while.
I have no plans for July, so that sucks. Hopefully my friends are doing something for the 4th.
Oh, I got a scholarship for Journalism. $1000. I’m pretty proud of myself and it was the first time I felt like my family was proud of me. It lasted about 5 minutes, but those were the best 5 minutes.
I just feel like my writing has finally been recognized and it was an amazing feeling finding out I actually got a scholarship.
I’m listening to Don’t right now. It’s so rad. Makes me super excited for x. You are just a really talented and nice guy, Ed. I’m positive x is going to be the album of my summer. Can’t wait to get it. Congratulations :)
Guess I better go. Gotta catch up on all the books I’ve put off reading amidst the school year.
Letter four. Thanks for listening.
All My Love and Appreciation,
I think I’m finally over him. I see him around and my heart doesn’t skip a beat. I don’t get extreme butterflies. I don’t even feel the need to acknowledge him.
For the past month or so I’ve forced myself to not look at him. Steer clear. Don’t acknowledge his presence though I was dying to. It’s working, and it shows me once he’s out of my life, I won’t give a shit anymore.
That makes me very happy. But it also bums me out. I wasted so much time on him. So many useless tears.
He doesn’t even talk to me. We haven’t been friends since sophomore year.
I often question if it was me who fucked everything up. All arrows point to me. Did I fuck it up Ed? Did I push and push and hope for something, only to push too far and make him not care?
I’ve seen the way he looks are her now. I’ve been showed how he talks to her. He wouldn’t ever talk to me like that again.
He makes my heart hurt a lot of the time… But I’m finally moving on.
Letter number three. Thanks for listening.
All My Love and Appreciation,
School is tomorrow. I will probably be running on 4-5 hours of sleep because I have to finish The Book Thief tonight for English. I’ve been reading all day. Still have 200 pages left. Not too bad.
I really wish I could be one of those people who got shit done as soon as it was assigned. I had a month to read and journal this book and I put it off until the last weekend. I’m such an idiot sometimes.
I seem to be writing to you very late at night. It’s around 10PM when the loneliness really sets in and I think of everything that happened during the day… I can’t think about this right now. I don’t want to.
I’m going to go finish The Book Thief so I can go to sleep and get through this week.
Letter two. Thanks for listening.
All My Love and Appreciation,
I just listened to ‘One.’ It’s beautiful; the video especially. It evokes this immense proud feeling I have of you and how far you’ve come with your music. Congratulations, truly.
So why have I addressed a letter to you? Well, I’ve felt a bit lonely lately, though there are so many people around me, constantly. I don’t know what brought upon this loneliness. It’s just there and it’s eating me up. I need someone to talk to, but I can’t talk to anyone around me. So I decided to blog. Then ‘Dear Ed’ just sorta happened. I guess I figured it would be slightly easier to address a letter to someone and feel like they’re is hearing me.
It really could’ve been anyone I chose to address this to, but for some reason it’s you. It could be because I just listened to ‘One.’ Or that I’ve been listening to + a lot lately. Or that I constantly see your tweets. It could be for any reason. But what I really think… I think I’m writing to ‘you’ because you get words. You write what’s on your heart. Words are your constant.
It would feel nice to just have someone listen. Someone who knows what it’s like to write their heart and feel vulnerable. Who just wants their words to reach someone.
I know you won’t read this because I’m just an 18 year old girl from central California, and you’re you. I don’t plan on sending this to you, ever.
These letters are mostly for me. The format helps me feel like it’s reaching someone. Like someone is simply listening to me for once.
It’s probably weird… But I need this. It’s not that big of a deal, I’m really just borrowing your name. Occasionally I’m actually writing to you, like with what I said about ‘One,’ but mostly your a faceless friend who is willing to listen. So, thanks for letting me borrow your name, even though I didn’t ask.
This is letter number one. Thanks for listening.
All my love and appreciation,
i’m listening to the summer set and i’m feeling all nostalgic and shit…
if this spring break taught me anything it’s that i enjoy my own company. actually… if senior year taught me anything, it’s that. i realized that i can only handle my friends for so long. i love them to death, but i don’t know how i feel about being with them 24/7. maybe i’ve just enjoyed the idea of them, not really them… and i know it goes both ways…
there are certain friends whom i love and would enjoy being with 24/7, but some i’m just… done with. those i call my best friends… i’m just done with them and how they act.
i’m ready to grow up and they’re…. not.
i’m not talking drastically grow up, just a little. by the end of the year we’ll be in college. some growth is necessary, right?
anyway, my fingers were just itching to write something. i haven’t been able to access my story on my computer because my computer is being an asshole and i’m stuck using my mother’s wonky keyboard and windows vista computer to do all my daily interneting. it’s frustrating.
i saw all time low monday night. it was intense.
there was already a long line by the time i got there (round 4ish) and i went and waited. and waited. and waited. alone.
there were these two girls next to me that i ended up saving spots for because they needed to pee. i ended up saving their spots for like, an hour. never again.
these two guys were going to everyone in line with headphones asking them to have a listen to their music and selling cds. before i even listened i knew i was gonna buy a copy. i have a soft spot and immense amount of respect for people actually going out onto the streets and promoting their music. thankfully, it was actually good so i gave em 5 bucks, even though they were accepting dollars.
so i waited some more. and more. and more. stood in line for a total of 3 and a half hours.
once inside, i immediately bought a water because i felt like i was going to pass out from dehydration. then i tossed up my hair in a ponytail and finally got off my feet for a few seconds. but i was back up very quickly and attempting to push myself to the front of the crowd. didn’t work.
the crowd was made up of mostly whiny 15 year olds. ugh. so i stood for handguns’ set and it was a good time, but i couldn’t handle the warmth anymore. it was abnormally hot in this venue so i went and sat down. i sat out man overboard’s set cause my feet were klling me and i wasn’t really into them.
to be honest, sitting and listening to them kind of gave me a headache. i was more than excited when they were finally finished.
i found a spot in the back were a fan was pointed and stood there for all time low.
i danced. i jumped. i clapped. i fist pumped. i sang my heart out.
i was the happiest i’ve ever been.
i will never forget that night. it was the best night of my life.
and i discovered going to shows alone is more fun than finding someone to take and having to stay by a friend’s side.
going to shows alone from now on.
I saw All Time Low Monday night and it was the best night of my life.
EDIT - April 16, 2014
I wrote our entire story and just deleted it cause I saw the way you looked at her.
I take back all of my last post.
I’m over it.
I need to be over it.
I’m sick and tired of all of this bullshit.
Yesterday he came into the library.
I cannot wait. It’s frightening, but exciting. I’m pumped for college. Scared out of my wits, but pumped. :)
I hope I somehow manage to get there. I just really want to go. That’s all.
This is coming much faster than the previous two. I turn 18 on the 16th. It’s exciting. That much more freedom given to me. I’m pretty stoked.
There are two things I want.
1.) Books. Books are the best gifts and give me an escape.
2.) A “Happy Birthday!” from him. Only him, and my day will be made. Yeah, still sorta hung up on him.
Just found out we’re going to the same college. The world is cruel.
He got a new girlfriend. One of my good friends. I try to be happy. I sort of am. They’ve had a thing for each other for a while. But it still makes me sad.
I could never tell her though.
Now I’m sorta bummed out. Goodnight.
I fantasize often about different things I wish he would do but know that he would never do them in a million years.
Tomorrow is tree lighting. It’s going to be Christmasey and in order for it to be that way, I must help leadership decorate. We’ll have to carry it out to the tree, which is outside the fence, so I’ll pass by him if he still hangs out in his normal spot with his friends. I’ll smile over at him. He’ll smile and come over.
"How are you?" I’ll ask. I always ask. Never him. Not once.
"I’m good… How are you?" he’ll say obligatory.
"I’m well. You going to the Christmas Tree Lighting?"
"I am." He’ll smile. Always simple answers. Nothing more.
"We’ll I’ll see you there. Gotta go decorate," I’ll smile with a nod.
"I’ll see ya Selina," he’ll smile, looking at me as he walks away, turning when I do.
Fast forward to that night. I’ll have my camera out cause I have to take pictures for yearbook. I’ll have probably ditched helping with the kid cookie decorating. And I’ll be chillin by myself against a wall or something, surrounded by people. He’ll come over from his friends, and nonchalantly lean against the wall or something next to me. Very much his style. I’ll look at him and smile, and he’ll just look away like I’m not even there.
I’ll finally give in and laugh, “Hey.”
"Oh, hey Selina," he’ll smile.
"What’s up?" I’ll ask.
"Can I talk to you, somewhere else?" (This is where my fantasy get’s really crazy because he would never ask to talk to me. Ever. I’m… Me.)
He’ll shrug, “Over here,” and I’ll follow wherever he leads.
As we’re walking through the crowd, he’ll grab my hand, pulling me through the mess.
I’ll freak out over his touch but keep it way cool on the outside.
We’ll sit on the steps leading up to Royce Hall. Right next to each other because of the cold.
"So." I’ll start because he’s impossible when it comes to starting conversations.
"So." He’ll say then smile.
Then we’ll go into conversation of our friendship. If I’ve ever liked him, if he ever liked me. He’ll hold my hand. Tell jokes. Make me laugh. Kiss me on the cheek. And we’ll live happily ever after.
In reality, he probably won’t even go. But if he does, I’ll look at him constantly through the night, him not giving two shits about me. He won’t say hi. Won’t even look in my direction.
Because that’s what we’ve come to.
Seacrest has this post titled “Jonas Brothers Call It Quits: 7 Lyrics to Help Recover From Breakup.” And now I’m crying,
I’m watching these videos that go to the lyrics and I just… I wish I could go back in time… I’ve never wanted to do that before… But the Year 3000 video?… :( I miss when the biggest drama was if Kevin was dating Zoe Myers or not. I miss when I yearned to be Mandy, or at least have it be my name. I miss the Demi/Jonas days when they were happy…. I miss it all. I want to go back.
In many ways, I owe the Jonas Brothers. I owe them for keeping me alive and sane (sorta) in the 6th grade and middle school. I owe them for the many smiles they’ve brought to my face. I also owe them for sort of forcing me to grow up, when I thought I had. Not having them around for 4 years… I learned who I was.
This doesn’t mean i’m content with the breakup. At. All. I finally had them back. They had an album ready. Tour. Music videos. And it’s just… Gone. Like that.
So I owe them…. But they owe me. I feel betrayed, by people I never even got the chance to see, meet, or even be in the same room with. They promised they’d come back with new music when they were ready. I agreed, said I’d always support them, and waited. They promised no more delays after 4 fucking years. I said I’d always support them, and I waited. They kept saying soon. I offered my support and waited.
And…. they lied.
I can’t find it in me to be supportive in this decision. There is a small relief that I have because there is finally an answer after weeks of cluelessness. But I just…. I feel betrayed… Insulted. Angry. Sad… Alone.
7 years is a long time to devote to a band. I was with them through it all. Obviously not with them, but you catch my drift I’m not delusional. I know they didn’t know who I was. It’s just… You have to be a diehard fan of someone for so long to get it. I was there through the record label changes, all the girlfriends, all the breakups, all the tabloids, all the myspace blogs, the YouTube videos, the tweets, the instagrams, the vines…. The music.
I can’t say goodbye.
I’m scared to face the possibility that maybe it was time.
More and more, I start to realize, I can reach my tomorrow. I can hold my head up high, and it’s all because you were by my side.