I fantasize often about different things I wish he would do but know that he would never do them in a million years.
Tomorrow is tree lighting. It’s going to be Christmasey and in order for it to be that way, I must help leadership decorate. We’ll have to carry it out to the tree, which is outside the fence, so I’ll pass by him if he still hangs out in his normal spot with his friends. I’ll smile over at him. He’ll smile and come over.
"How are you?" I’ll ask. I always ask. Never him. Not once.
"I’m good… How are you?" he’ll say obligatory.
"I’m well. You going to the Christmas Tree Lighting?"
"I am." He’ll smile. Always simple answers. Nothing more.
"We’ll I’ll see you there. Gotta go decorate," I’ll smile with a nod.
"I’ll see ya Selina," he’ll smile, looking at me as he walks away, turning when I do.
Fast forward to that night. I’ll have my camera out cause I have to take pictures for yearbook. I’ll have probably ditched helping with the kid cookie decorating. And I’ll be chillin by myself against a wall or something, surrounded by people. He’ll come over from his friends, and nonchalantly lean against the wall or something next to me. Very much his style. I’ll look at him and smile, and he’ll just look away like I’m not even there.
I’ll finally give in and laugh, “Hey.”
"Oh, hey Selina," he’ll smile.
"What’s up?" I’ll ask.
"Can I talk to you, somewhere else?" (This is where my fantasy get’s really crazy because he would never ask to talk to me. Ever. I’m… Me.)
He’ll shrug, “Over here,” and I’ll follow wherever he leads.
As we’re walking through the crowd, he’ll grab my hand, pulling me through the mess.
I’ll freak out over his touch but keep it way cool on the outside.
We’ll sit on the steps leading up to Royce Hall. Right next to each other because of the cold.
"So." I’ll start because he’s impossible when it comes to starting conversations.
"So." He’ll say then smile.
Then we’ll go into conversation of our friendship. If I’ve ever liked him, if he ever liked me. He’ll hold my hand. Tell jokes. Make me laugh. Kiss me on the cheek. And we’ll live happily ever after.
In reality, he probably won’t even go. But if he does, I’ll look at him constantly through the night, him not giving two shits about me. He won’t say hi. Won’t even look in my direction.
Because that’s what we’ve come to.
Seacrest has this post titled “Jonas Brothers Call It Quits: 7 Lyrics to Help Recover From Breakup.” And now I’m crying,
I’m watching these videos that go to the lyrics and I just… I wish I could go back in time… I’ve never wanted to do that before… But the Year 3000 video?… :( I miss when the biggest drama was if Kevin was dating Zoe Myers or not. I miss when I yearned to be Mandy, or at least have it be my name. I miss the Demi/Jonas days when they were happy…. I miss it all. I want to go back.
In many ways, I owe the Jonas Brothers. I owe them for keeping me alive and sane (sorta) in the 6th grade and middle school. I owe them for the many smiles they’ve brought to my face. I also owe them for sort of forcing me to grow up, when I thought I had. Not having them around for 4 years… I learned who I was.
This doesn’t mean i’m content with the breakup. At. All. I finally had them back. They had an album ready. Tour. Music videos. And it’s just… Gone. Like that.
So I owe them…. But they owe me. I feel betrayed, by people I never even got the chance to see, meet, or even be in the same room with. They promised they’d come back with new music when they were ready. I agreed, said I’d always support them, and waited. They promised no more delays after 4 fucking years. I said I’d always support them, and I waited. They kept saying soon. I offered my support and waited.
And…. they lied.
I can’t find it in me to be supportive in this decision. There is a small relief that I have because there is finally an answer after weeks of cluelessness. But I just…. I feel betrayed… Insulted. Angry. Sad… Alone.
7 years is a long time to devote to a band. I was with them through it all. Obviously not with them, but you catch my drift I’m not delusional. I know they didn’t know who I was. It’s just… You have to be a diehard fan of someone for so long to get it. I was there through the record label changes, all the girlfriends, all the breakups, all the tabloids, all the myspace blogs, the YouTube videos, the tweets, the instagrams, the vines…. The music.
I can’t say goodbye.
I’m scared to face the possibility that maybe it was time.
More and more, I start to realize, I can reach my tomorrow. I can hold my head up high, and it’s all because you were by my side.
I’ve tried writing this letter hundreds of times, but I cannot find the words to express what you mean to me. I can’t express how much it hurts that you don’t care anymore. I can’t explain what it means when you say hello, or ask how I’m doing, or give me a hug.
I care so much. I hate it.
I love you.
Homecoming was last night and I don’t even know.
One, I’m exhausted physically. Got no sleep. Woke up early. Set up for the Rally at school. Constant clapping and cheering x2 cause I’m a leadership student and have to attend both rallies, which are exactly the same cause our school is so big we need a Rally A and Rally B.
Right after school my friends and I grabbed Taco Bell, and went straight to the stadium cause I had to set up with Leadership. My job was to paper the bleachers where the band would sit and where the parents would sit. Vanessa couldn’t make it cause her uncle was in the hospital, and Hazel wasn’t there when I was there, so other leadership and non leadership students helped me, but some would listen, so I nearly did everything myself. In the sun. I was sweaty. And I was going up and down McLane steps as well. UGH.
Two, I’m emotionally exhausted. The stress of trying to hurry and paper the seats for band and parents before they got there took a toll. Then Modesta ended up crying on my shoulder cause she’s having boy problems. How much I wish I were able to do that to others. Then that fucking boy.
He was everywhere I looked. During the JV Game I went with Alex down to get a water and he was down there. I hugged him and it felt good to be back in his arms, but I regret it cause I gave into temptation. Now he’s ALL I’m thinking about and I want to cry. In fact, I did in the shower last night. And apparently he knows how to drive? I didn’t even know that until I saw him drive away last night with his friends. We’ve grown apart so much.
Other things happened with us and they are all I’m thinking about today.
I hate wanting him. :(
I survived the first two entire weeks of school. Wow.
The boy I like…. We’ve had interaction. He’s in one of my classes. One of my important classes to be specific. He’s so fucking distracting.
The new buildings are wicked. My classes are now wicked (got my schedule changed :)
History of the Americas Year 2
In my English class yesterday, we had homework to write a response to this article we read the day before, and we were passing our responses around to read each other’s. Then my teacher said to give it to someone across the room and everyone got up and started doing this and I didn’t know anyone across the room so I just sorta sat there. Then this guy gets up and is looking around and my friend Alex says that I need a partner so the guy comes over and sits next to me and we trade papers.
Now when Alex told the guy that I needed a partner, I swear I wanted to hug him because this guy was sorta cute and I definitely wouldn’t mind talking to him. But what happened after… I owe Alex because I could potentially marry this guy. He probably has a girlfriend though, because he was so, so sweet.
He kept saying how good of a writer I was and how I used a lot of words he never heard of (Let me explain a bit. This is a regular English class, not an IB English class, which is where I would belong if I hadn’t had taken CART for those two months and messed up my schedule. There are TONS of smart people in Regular English, but most of them are in IB). He said I made my opinion clear and that he was really impressed. Hearing this not only from a cute boy, but from one of my peers, is so cool and so freaking nice. No one has ever told me they were impressed with my writing, other than my old history teacher, once.
He then said he was embarrassed that I read his paper and I couldn’t disagree more. His paper was really good and well written. I was just as impressed as he probably was with mine. I didn’t think mine was one of my better papers.
Then he asked how I had such a big vocabulary and it goes like this:
"I like to read."
"Maybe I should start to read then." *we laugh* "I never liked reading. I only do it when I have to."
"Yeah, you just have to find what you like. I didn’t really like reading until high school."
"That’s cool. Well thanks for reading my terrible paper. Yours was really… Big words. A lot of big words. It’s was really good."
*laughs* “No, I liked yours, really. You write well.”
"Thanks, okay. Bye," he smiled before walking away.
Then my teacher when around and randomly pointed at people and asked what we thought of our own writing compared to others, and of course he points at me, so I say, “I think mind is pretty much the same as everyone else,” and I could feel that guy staring at me hardcore, but I refused to look at him.
Then my teacher asks, “Anyone make you feel terrible in comparison to their writing?” and that guy actually said, out loud, “Yes! Over there!” and he points at me.
I sent him the “Holy-fuck-I-can’t-believe-you-actually-said-that-wide-eyed-shocked-look.” He smiled at me and I quickly ducked my head as my teacher looked over in my general direction and I could feel my cheeks burning.
He was so nice and… Just wow. I am completely flattered by everything he said. He made my Friday.
Yesterday I went to pick up my class schedule for senior year. I was so ready. Had this new outlook. Everything was going to be amazing. I was 100% sure of who I am friends with. My classes were going to be exactly what I wanted. I was happy.
I got there and Vanessa waved me over and I stood in line with her and Olivia.I hadn’t seen Nessuh all summer, so she asked how my summer was, I asked how she was. We all talked. Then Olivia showed me her bookmark with all the Doctors on it. And then as they were talking, I finally looked around to see who else was there. And I saw him.
I will admit, I thought about him this summer. But seeing him… All these feelings hit me all at once.
He was a couple people in front of us, with his group of friends. I immediately looked away and tried to focus on what Nessuh and Olivia were saying, but I found myself looking back to him every few seconds. Just quick glances.
Then the line started to move a bit and we finally got out of an awkward spot we were standing at and of course, right in the middle of him and his girl and guy friends. I forgot how his voice sounded. It was nice.
I force myself to keep Vanessa talking and pay attention to her. He’s so distracting. So we’re standing around, talking about how it’s taking forever to get inside (in the end, it took me 40 minutes until I finally got my schedule), and then I feel someone staring at me. I look over and there he his. 10 feet away, arms folded, at the top of the 4 steps, leaning on the brick wall that guides you up the stairs.
He’s just hunched over, staring at me. On purpose of course. I smile and give a wave and he continues staring and I crack a grin and he finally smiles.
Just this small exchange made me so happy. Waiting in line the rest of the time and getting a completely messed up schedule was so worth it. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this year, knowing it will probably be the last year I get to see him every day.
God. I’m back to where I was 2 years ago.
I like him. There’s no denying it.
As of yesterday, it’s officially summer vacation. I’m seeing Ryan for the 4th time on Wednesday with Cody Simpson and Before You Exit. I’m currently making me dad’s father’s day gift. And I might fail Trig—I don’t know yet cause Thao hasn’t put in my final. Sigh.
Okay, so today I picked up Seventeen Magazine for the sole fact that Little Mix was on the cover, and they’re my favorite girl group. The only reason I ever pick up a Seventeen is if someone I like is on the cover. Matter of fact, I can name every Seventeen that I’ve gotten, cause I do not read it that often (Jonas Brothers, Demi, Taylor Swift, 1D and now Little Mix).
And though the article and spread on the person on the cover is the first thing I go to, I still check out everything else in the mag and read everything.
I was taking a quiz just for fun called “Are You Being Friend-Zoned.” Of course there’s one person I have in mind when I’m answering these questions, and the answer get says: “You’re in crush territory!”
Now obviously, I don’t feel this way anymore. I don’t think he’s into me… No, I know he’s not into me. He just ended his relationship and we just started talking again for like a day and then it ended. And no guy could ever ‘fall’ for me. It’s impossible. And that’s not me being insecure. I just know it’s impossible.
But there is a part of me that’s suspicious. Did I friend zone him? Was all that heartbreak and disappointment and loneliness I was put through my fault?
This quiz didn’t really mean anything to me. I think mag quizzes are the biggest load of bullshit out there. But it DID make me think about what I might have done to him.
One of the questions I had to answer was “A Jokey Proposal or A Jokey Face?” meaning what did he usually do. My guy jokingly proposed to me… Twice. Both times I turned him down. How dumb he must have felt having me turn him down. Of all the people.
Then it got me thinking, he did a lot of things like that. Called me cute, but I blew it off as him just saying words to say them, and just said, “Uh, I gotta go.” Said he wanted to go to the movies with me but I never spoke to him about it again. Said he missed when we used to hang out and I just shrugged and halfheartedly said I did too. He went out of his way to give me a hug and told something I needed to hear.
And then quite a few times… He said “I like you, Selina.” Nothing more. Nothing less. And what did I say? “I like you too. You’re a good friend.” Friend? If that isn’t friend-zoning at it’s worse. And I really liked him at the time too. Like, really, really liked him. But he was on the verge of having a girlfriend when he told me that, so I thought he only liked me as a friend.
Maybe I’m over analyzing everything…. But….
Did I friend-zone him? The one boy I’ve ever really had feelings for.
I shouldn’t have written this. I thought I got over him. But this just brought back all these feelings and I just don’t understand.
Nearly 3 months since I’ve last posted on here. I’m not really sure as to why. I’ve just been stressing a lot and doing a lot of different things lately. You’d think with me being so stressed I’d come on here and vent, but no. All I want to do when I’m stressed out is cry and sleep and just stay in bed all day.
So I’ve got some pretty good news. That boy that’s I’ve had a crush on forever? Well, I’m almost certain I’m over him. The boy who made my heart flutter, ache, and break, who made my cry, who frustrated me, who made me so incredibly happy, all while never knowing a single one of these things.. I’m over him. It feels great.
I love seeing him and not feeling a damn thing. Sure he’s still an attractive boy, but I can now care less about the fact that he pays me no mind and has a girlfriend.
He sort of smiles at me here and there every day and tries to get my attention, but I just give him a quick smile and am on my merry way. I’ve stopped trying to please him.
All it took was 3 months of acting like I didn’t care, and just ignoring him as much as possible. I also took a step back and really looked at who I had this major crush on. I accepted a lot of things and realized he wouldn’t fit into my life.
And then eventually, all this led up to a few days ago when I saw him and I easily looked away without a care.
It felt amazing.
You know how you read or hear about how when you see that person you like, but you can’t or will never be with them, you just get this pain in your heart, or stomach, or whatever… I never thought it was true. It had never happened to me, and I never expected it would. Until today. It happened… And I don’t like it.
He came up to me, stopped and smiled. He mumbled something and I was like “Hm?” and he was like “Hey Selina.” And I was like “Hey,” with a small smile. I felt tears sting my eyes. I’m choosing to blame it on the wind and rain that had begun while I waited for my dad to pick me up. And then I looked at the ground, and I couldn’t help but notice that my face sort of contorted into a grimace and I just got this pain upon seeing him. This longing pain.
I thought I was over it. I hadn’t talked to him in a while, and I ignored him, and eventually it didn’t matter to me when I would see him in the halls or anything.
He just smiled and walked away, and then I looked up as he left, and there was my dad in the car, watching me, in the middle of the empty street.
I hope he didn’t see the whole thing. I pray he didn’t.
Anyway, Mary hasn’t been to school in a week. I get it though. She’s dealing with her dad’s death and everything. I’m just worried. I don’t want her to drop out of school or anything. We both already hate it enough, and I know if something like this happened to me, I’d really consider it. I just hope she’s strong and can get through it. Everyone has been passing on their condolences through me and Haley.
I hope she comes tomorrow. I miss her.