I take back all of my last post.
I’m over it.
I need to be over it.
I’m sick and tired of all of this bullshit.
I fake a smile so he won’t see that I want, and I’m needing, everything that we should be.
I bet she’s beautiful—that girl she talks about. She’s got everything that I had to live without.
He talks to me. I laugh cause it’s just so funny that I can’t even see anyone when he’s with me.
I wonder if he knows he’s all I think about at night.
He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar—the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishin star.
He’s the song in the car. I keep singing. Don’t know why I do.
He walks by me. Can he tell that I can’t breath. There he goes so perfectly. The kind of flawless I wish I could be.
She better hold him tight. Give him all the love. Look in those beautiful eyes and know she’s lucky.
I put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.
The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart.
He’s the time taken up, but there’s never enough and he’s all that I need to fall into.
He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won’t see.
It still sucks. It sill hurts. But I managed to ignore him completely today, even when he was like, a foot away from me. Good job Selina.
Yesterday he came into the library.
I cannot wait. It’s frightening, but exciting. I’m pumped for college. Scared out of my wits, but pumped. :)
I hope I somehow manage to get there. I just really want to go. That’s all.
This is coming much faster than the previous two. I turn 18 on the 16th. It’s exciting. That much more freedom given to me. I’m pretty stoked.
There are two things I want.
1.) Books. Books are the best gifts and give me an escape.
2.) A “Happy Birthday!” from him. Only him, and my day will be made. Yeah, still sorta hung up on him.
Just found out we’re going to the same college. The world is cruel.
He got a new girlfriend. One of my good friends. I try to be happy. I sort of am. They’ve had a thing for each other for a while. But it still makes me sad.
I could never tell her though.
Now I’m sorta bummed out. Goodnight.
I fantasize often about different things I wish he would do but know that he would never do them in a million years.
Tomorrow is tree lighting. It’s going to be Christmasey and in order for it to be that way, I must help leadership decorate. We’ll have to carry it out to the tree, which is outside the fence, so I’ll pass by him if he still hangs out in his normal spot with his friends. I’ll smile over at him. He’ll smile and come over.
"How are you?" I’ll ask. I always ask. Never him. Not once.
"I’m good… How are you?" he’ll say obligatory.
"I’m well. You going to the Christmas Tree Lighting?"
"I am." He’ll smile. Always simple answers. Nothing more.
"We’ll I’ll see you there. Gotta go decorate," I’ll smile with a nod.
"I’ll see ya Selina," he’ll smile, looking at me as he walks away, turning when I do.
Fast forward to that night. I’ll have my camera out cause I have to take pictures for yearbook. I’ll have probably ditched helping with the kid cookie decorating. And I’ll be chillin by myself against a wall or something, surrounded by people. He’ll come over from his friends, and nonchalantly lean against the wall or something next to me. Very much his style. I’ll look at him and smile, and he’ll just look away like I’m not even there.
I’ll finally give in and laugh, “Hey.”
"Oh, hey Selina," he’ll smile.
"What’s up?" I’ll ask.
"Can I talk to you, somewhere else?" (This is where my fantasy get’s really crazy because he would never ask to talk to me. Ever. I’m… Me.)
He’ll shrug, “Over here,” and I’ll follow wherever he leads.
As we’re walking through the crowd, he’ll grab my hand, pulling me through the mess.
I’ll freak out over his touch but keep it way cool on the outside.
We’ll sit on the steps leading up to Royce Hall. Right next to each other because of the cold.
"So." I’ll start because he’s impossible when it comes to starting conversations.
"So." He’ll say then smile.
Then we’ll go into conversation of our friendship. If I’ve ever liked him, if he ever liked me. He’ll hold my hand. Tell jokes. Make me laugh. Kiss me on the cheek. And we’ll live happily ever after.
In reality, he probably won’t even go. But if he does, I’ll look at him constantly through the night, him not giving two shits about me. He won’t say hi. Won’t even look in my direction.
Because that’s what we’ve come to.
Seacrest has this post titled “Jonas Brothers Call It Quits: 7 Lyrics to Help Recover From Breakup.” And now I’m crying,
I’m watching these videos that go to the lyrics and I just… I wish I could go back in time… I’ve never wanted to do that before… But the Year 3000 video?… :( I miss when the biggest drama was if Kevin was dating Zoe Myers or not. I miss when I yearned to be Mandy, or at least have it be my name. I miss the Demi/Jonas days when they were happy…. I miss it all. I want to go back.
In many ways, I owe the Jonas Brothers. I owe them for keeping me alive and sane (sorta) in the 6th grade and middle school. I owe them for the many smiles they’ve brought to my face. I also owe them for sort of forcing me to grow up, when I thought I had. Not having them around for 4 years… I learned who I was.
This doesn’t mean i’m content with the breakup. At. All. I finally had them back. They had an album ready. Tour. Music videos. And it’s just… Gone. Like that.
So I owe them…. But they owe me. I feel betrayed, by people I never even got the chance to see, meet, or even be in the same room with. They promised they’d come back with new music when they were ready. I agreed, said I’d always support them, and waited. They promised no more delays after 4 fucking years. I said I’d always support them, and I waited. They kept saying soon. I offered my support and waited.
And…. they lied.
I can’t find it in me to be supportive in this decision. There is a small relief that I have because there is finally an answer after weeks of cluelessness. But I just…. I feel betrayed… Insulted. Angry. Sad… Alone.
7 years is a long time to devote to a band. I was with them through it all. Obviously not with them, but you catch my drift I’m not delusional. I know they didn’t know who I was. It’s just… You have to be a diehard fan of someone for so long to get it. I was there through the record label changes, all the girlfriends, all the breakups, all the tabloids, all the myspace blogs, the YouTube videos, the tweets, the instagrams, the vines…. The music.
I can’t say goodbye.
I’m scared to face the possibility that maybe it was time.
More and more, I start to realize, I can reach my tomorrow. I can hold my head up high, and it’s all because you were by my side.
I’ve tried writing this letter hundreds of times, but I cannot find the words to express what you mean to me. I can’t express how much it hurts that you don’t care anymore. I can’t explain what it means when you say hello, or ask how I’m doing, or give me a hug.
I care so much. I hate it.
I love you.
Homecoming was last night and I don’t even know.
One, I’m exhausted physically. Got no sleep. Woke up early. Set up for the Rally at school. Constant clapping and cheering x2 cause I’m a leadership student and have to attend both rallies, which are exactly the same cause our school is so big we need a Rally A and Rally B.
Right after school my friends and I grabbed Taco Bell, and went straight to the stadium cause I had to set up with Leadership. My job was to paper the bleachers where the band would sit and where the parents would sit. Vanessa couldn’t make it cause her uncle was in the hospital, and Hazel wasn’t there when I was there, so other leadership and non leadership students helped me, but some would listen, so I nearly did everything myself. In the sun. I was sweaty. And I was going up and down McLane steps as well. UGH.
Two, I’m emotionally exhausted. The stress of trying to hurry and paper the seats for band and parents before they got there took a toll. Then Modesta ended up crying on my shoulder cause she’s having boy problems. How much I wish I were able to do that to others. Then that fucking boy.
He was everywhere I looked. During the JV Game I went with Alex down to get a water and he was down there. I hugged him and it felt good to be back in his arms, but I regret it cause I gave into temptation. Now he’s ALL I’m thinking about and I want to cry. In fact, I did in the shower last night. And apparently he knows how to drive? I didn’t even know that until I saw him drive away last night with his friends. We’ve grown apart so much.
Other things happened with us and they are all I’m thinking about today.
I hate wanting him. :(
I survived the first two entire weeks of school. Wow.
The boy I like…. We’ve had interaction. He’s in one of my classes. One of my important classes to be specific. He’s so fucking distracting.
The new buildings are wicked. My classes are now wicked (got my schedule changed :)
History of the Americas Year 2
In my English class yesterday, we had homework to write a response to this article we read the day before, and we were passing our responses around to read each other’s. Then my teacher said to give it to someone across the room and everyone got up and started doing this and I didn’t know anyone across the room so I just sorta sat there. Then this guy gets up and is looking around and my friend Alex says that I need a partner so the guy comes over and sits next to me and we trade papers.
Now when Alex told the guy that I needed a partner, I swear I wanted to hug him because this guy was sorta cute and I definitely wouldn’t mind talking to him. But what happened after… I owe Alex because I could potentially marry this guy. He probably has a girlfriend though, because he was so, so sweet.
He kept saying how good of a writer I was and how I used a lot of words he never heard of (Let me explain a bit. This is a regular English class, not an IB English class, which is where I would belong if I hadn’t had taken CART for those two months and messed up my schedule. There are TONS of smart people in Regular English, but most of them are in IB). He said I made my opinion clear and that he was really impressed. Hearing this not only from a cute boy, but from one of my peers, is so cool and so freaking nice. No one has ever told me they were impressed with my writing, other than my old history teacher, once.
He then said he was embarrassed that I read his paper and I couldn’t disagree more. His paper was really good and well written. I was just as impressed as he probably was with mine. I didn’t think mine was one of my better papers.
Then he asked how I had such a big vocabulary and it goes like this:
"I like to read."
"Maybe I should start to read then." *we laugh* "I never liked reading. I only do it when I have to."
"Yeah, you just have to find what you like. I didn’t really like reading until high school."
"That’s cool. Well thanks for reading my terrible paper. Yours was really… Big words. A lot of big words. It’s was really good."
*laughs* “No, I liked yours, really. You write well.”
"Thanks, okay. Bye," he smiled before walking away.
Then my teacher when around and randomly pointed at people and asked what we thought of our own writing compared to others, and of course he points at me, so I say, “I think mind is pretty much the same as everyone else,” and I could feel that guy staring at me hardcore, but I refused to look at him.
Then my teacher asks, “Anyone make you feel terrible in comparison to their writing?” and that guy actually said, out loud, “Yes! Over there!” and he points at me.
I sent him the “Holy-fuck-I-can’t-believe-you-actually-said-that-wide-eyed-shocked-look.” He smiled at me and I quickly ducked my head as my teacher looked over in my general direction and I could feel my cheeks burning.
He was so nice and… Just wow. I am completely flattered by everything he said. He made my Friday.
Yesterday I went to pick up my class schedule for senior year. I was so ready. Had this new outlook. Everything was going to be amazing. I was 100% sure of who I am friends with. My classes were going to be exactly what I wanted. I was happy.
I got there and Vanessa waved me over and I stood in line with her and Olivia.I hadn’t seen Nessuh all summer, so she asked how my summer was, I asked how she was. We all talked. Then Olivia showed me her bookmark with all the Doctors on it. And then as they were talking, I finally looked around to see who else was there. And I saw him.
I will admit, I thought about him this summer. But seeing him… All these feelings hit me all at once.
He was a couple people in front of us, with his group of friends. I immediately looked away and tried to focus on what Nessuh and Olivia were saying, but I found myself looking back to him every few seconds. Just quick glances.
Then the line started to move a bit and we finally got out of an awkward spot we were standing at and of course, right in the middle of him and his girl and guy friends. I forgot how his voice sounded. It was nice.
I force myself to keep Vanessa talking and pay attention to her. He’s so distracting. So we’re standing around, talking about how it’s taking forever to get inside (in the end, it took me 40 minutes until I finally got my schedule), and then I feel someone staring at me. I look over and there he his. 10 feet away, arms folded, at the top of the 4 steps, leaning on the brick wall that guides you up the stairs.
He’s just hunched over, staring at me. On purpose of course. I smile and give a wave and he continues staring and I crack a grin and he finally smiles.
Just this small exchange made me so happy. Waiting in line the rest of the time and getting a completely messed up schedule was so worth it. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this year, knowing it will probably be the last year I get to see him every day.
God. I’m back to where I was 2 years ago.
I like him. There’s no denying it.