Nearly 3 months since I’ve last posted on here. I’m not really sure as to why. I’ve just been stressing a lot and doing a lot of different things lately. You’d think with me being so stressed I’d come on here and vent, but no. All I want to do when I’m stressed out is cry and sleep and just stay in bed all day.
So I’ve got some pretty good news. That boy that’s I’ve had a crush on forever? Well, I’m almost certain I’m over him. The boy who made my heart flutter, ache, and break, who made my cry, who frustrated me, who made me so incredibly happy, all while never knowing a single one of these things.. I’m over him. It feels great.
I love seeing him and not feeling a damn thing. Sure he’s still an attractive boy, but I can now care less about the fact that he pays me no mind and has a girlfriend.
He sort of smiles at me here and there every day and tries to get my attention, but I just give him a quick smile and am on my merry way. I’ve stopped trying to please him.
All it took was 3 months of acting like I didn’t care, and just ignoring him as much as possible. I also took a step back and really looked at who I had this major crush on. I accepted a lot of things and realized he wouldn’t fit into my life.
And then eventually, all this led up to a few days ago when I saw him and I easily looked away without a care.
It felt amazing.
You know how you read or hear about how when you see that person you like, but you can’t or will never be with them, you just get this pain in your heart, or stomach, or whatever… I never thought it was true. It had never happened to me, and I never expected it would. Until today. It happened… And I don’t like it.
He came up to me, stopped and smiled. He mumbled something and I was like “Hm?” and he was like “Hey Selina.” And I was like “Hey,” with a small smile. I felt tears sting my eyes. I’m choosing to blame it on the wind and rain that had begun while I waited for my dad to pick me up. And then I looked at the ground, and I couldn’t help but notice that my face sort of contorted into a grimace and I just got this pain upon seeing him. This longing pain.
I thought I was over it. I hadn’t talked to him in a while, and I ignored him, and eventually it didn’t matter to me when I would see him in the halls or anything.
He just smiled and walked away, and then I looked up as he left, and there was my dad in the car, watching me, in the middle of the empty street.
I hope he didn’t see the whole thing. I pray he didn’t.
Anyway, Mary hasn’t been to school in a week. I get it though. She’s dealing with her dad’s death and everything. I’m just worried. I don’t want her to drop out of school or anything. We both already hate it enough, and I know if something like this happened to me, I’d really consider it. I just hope she’s strong and can get through it. Everyone has been passing on their condolences through me and Haley.
I hope she comes tomorrow. I miss her.
I am going to scream if movie maker decides to not save my video one more fucking time.
Such a downgrade from Premiere Pro.
Remember when I was like “I have to tell you this story about my sister Rabeca!”? Well I just remembered now, and I’m incredibly too lazy to type it all up, so I’ll just give you a summary.
I was home alone babysitting my siblings and was washing my hands in the bathroom. Then my younger brother starts banging on the door and my little sister is screaming bloody murder. So I open the door and her entire hand is covered in blood. My heart is pounding and my stomach is in knots, but I had to keep calm because she was panicking. So I rinse her hand, quickly wrap it in a towel, and then run for the phone. I call my parents and tell them they need to get home like, asap. Apparently they just left their cart there in the middle of WalMart and ran out. lol
So they finally come after like, forever, and take her to the hospital. It was fractured, nearly broken. I’m telling you, grossest thing ever.
So yeah, that happened.
I have to admit, it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever gone through. I’ve never had to deal with my siblings getting a serious injury, all on my own. Usually it’s just a scratch, a stubbed toe, or the occasional piercing scream from stepping on a lego.
Anyway, Olivia is now in my English and Cooking class. YAY! :) IB-Dropouts FTW!
In cooking we’re making fudge cake. Sounds delicious. Okay bye.
I’m not gonna lie. I avoided this blog for a bit. But after doing an extensive creep of the two people who liked my letter to John and Hank, I can confirm that they do not go to my school, and have no connection to me, whatsoever. So that’s good.
I never really tag any of my posts because I’m super paranoid about the possibility of one of my peers or even siblings deciding to look through random tags and stumble upon this blog.
I even reblog stuff from my main blog after it’s collected a few notes from other people, that way my note blends in with theirs. I’m such a freak. haha
I have a story to tell you about my 5 (Or maybe 6? I dont know. I stopped keeping track after Gabriel.) year old sister, Rabeca, smashing her finger in the door and the horrific experience I had to go through… Alone. But I really have to go write more of this story before I forget it. I shall post tomorrow. Or whenever.
Oh! Also, my thoughts on City of Bones. Didn’t review it on Goodreads. Have to do that. Gah. Bye.
I remember once I had gotten out of CART and went back to a full regular high school schedule, my third period was (and still is) cooking class. The very first day I was put at a table where people go if they’re absent once we start cooking. They basically have no group to cook with and so they form their own group.
I was with two people I had never met, nor seen around school… Ever. They comfortably went into talking to each other about their sex lives… Classy. And from what I gathered, they had never met either.
Anyway. Whilst awkwardly sitting there, the announcements started. I hadn’t heard the school announcements since I was a sophomore because AM CART kids came back to their home schools for periods 4-6 and weren’t there for 1-3, period 3 being when the announcements were said.
I listened to the various sports news, club news, and random crap I didn’t care about. Then the girl who does the ending announcements was signing off. She says, and I quote, “You stay classy Fresno High. And in the words of Hank and John Green, don’t forget to be awesome.”
I almost fell out of my chair. I looked around at everyone, wondering if they had heard what I heard. Why was I the only one freaking out?!
Once class had ended, I rushed over to my film class and asked Mary if she heard the announcements. Nonchalantly she says, “Yeah. They say that everyday.” Um, excuse me? And you didn’t think to tell me this?!
There are nerdfighters at my school. Actual nerdfighters trying to spread awesome. AMAZINGLY AWESOME.
John and Hank Green are now a part of my day, every single day. Every time they say DFTBA, I can’t help but smile and look around to see if anyone else is. It just amazes me, and makes me so happy.
This had been going on since maybe October, but today whilst eating my omelette (THAT DID NOT BREAK BUT FREAKING GOT A B. A FREAKING B!!!), I started to think: Hank and John need to come to Fresno, and speak at FHS. They are a part of the student body every day, and don’t even know it. And I’m sure many of the gangsters, emos, elevator kids, goat hill kids, the skaters, the IBs, and the rest of the student body would like to know who these mysterious guys are that they’re too lazy to Google.
Plus it’d be awesome for me, my friends, and the few IBs that do know who they are… But mostly for me…
So I’d like to express my idea to John and Hank through the following letter:
I just deleted quite a few long paragraphs because I’m sick of thinking about this certain topic and I don’t want it documented. Okay.
I went to Trig and really talked to Dakotah for the first time. He’s hilarious. We mostly quoted Pitch Perfect and talked about the many guys I’m gonna marry, and that he’s marrying Taylor Swift or Anna Kendrick.
Then we talked about books and more movies, and he’s awesome. Definitely took my mind off of things. Mr. Thao giving us a new seating chart might have actually been for the better. I might have gotten a potential friend out of it.
Also, today in cooking we made omelettes. The lady had the audacity to GLANCE at my omelette and give me a B! -_-
I walked right passed him. I didn’t acknowledge him.
Two days in a row? Success. But… Why do I feel like crap about it? :/ I miss him.
Tomorrow Mary, her cousin Alex, maybe Olivia, and I are going to the mall. I plan on buying stuff at Bath & Body, and then getting a card for my parent’s anniversary that is on the 29th. I think it’s 24 years. Not sure though.
I’ve never met Mary’s cousin, so this should be interesting. She says he’s really outgoing. And gay. Basically Mary minus the boy and gay part. lol
I finished Thirteen Reasons Why today. Amazing. Have to start City of Bones now.
And then I have to work more on my figment entry.
And then see if I feel like finishing my other random stories.
And then I wanna make the place where my school books are an actual bookshelf for my personal books. I just don’t know where to put my school books. lol
And theeeen I also wanna watch a movie and eat rocky road and cry because I miss him. Probably will do this first.
I accomplished something today.
I had not one, but TWO chances to acknowledge him. But I didn’t. I stayed strong.
The first was in the morning. I saw him from a distance and then kept my head down as I passed him. This is normal. I never speak to him here.
The second was at the end of the day. He was literally in front of me for like 2 minutes, being his weird self, and I totally ignored him.
It felt strange. I always say hello to him. Always. I looked at him as he walked in, saw him look at me, then quickly looked away, waiting for my friend. I felt him sorta look at me as he walked by, but it may have been my imagination. I stole glances at him, but he put on his damn glasses, so I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me.
I hate this hold he has on me. I hate him.
But this was good. It’s me starting to attempt to get over him. He’ll never give me the time of day. We would never work out if he did.
I’m sick of it. 3 years now. This is enough. I’ve had enough.
First, I’d just like to say, I slept for fucking 10 hours because I went to bed at 7:30 last night. HOW FUCKIN AMAZING IS THAT?! I FEEL AMAZING!
Okay. Now onto the post.
Yesterday I turned 17. Felt like turning 16. And 15. And 14. Not really a big deal. Birthday started out good, then slowly turned to shit. Well, no. It started shit cause I had to go to school (Usually I never have school on my birthday), then got good at school, then turned shit towards the end of school and at home.
I woke up to my parents telling me happy birthday and that they love me. That was nice. Then my dad made me breakfast. So actually, it started good. I think it was the moment I got into the car to get to school that it turned to shit for the 5 minute drive (30 minute walk, mind you), and then the 5-6 minute walk to the library. Then I saw Shields, Mary, and Harpreet. Mary made me a mustache shaped cake! :D
Then we discussed mustaches and progressively began discussing The Fault In Our Stars because I’m re-reading it.Then Haley came and Mary was talking to her and Haley was like ‘Okay,’ which caused Shields (coolest guy ever), Mary, and I to start sort of fan-girling/guying because of what Haley said, and if you’ve read the book, you understand.
Then I went to Physics. Got some compliments on my cake. Ruby called it “DOPE!!”
English. Ms. Taylor: “That is so freakin cute!” Got happy birthdays from 2 people I don’t really talk to. That was nice.
Cooking. Thankfully Mrs. Briney let me put it in the back room so it wasn’t sitting at my table.
Film. I walked to film and Lalo asked my about my cake and wished me happy birthday. Then I went in and sat down in that class, Alexis wished me a happy birthday, then Philip walked by and wished me a happy birthday (unexpected). Then Mary, being Mary, was like “Mrs. B, it’s Selina’s birthday!” And Mrs. B was like “Really? You want us to sing to you? :D” and I was instantly like “No, no! Please, no!” But then Philip BURST into song, and I was like -_- and then I thanked them when it was finally over. That was embarrassing at the moment, but definitely sweet as I look back on it.
Lunch, we had the cake. I usually hate cake, but oh my, that was delicious. Especially the frosting. Mary is amazing.
History. Kinda just listened to Mr. V lecture.
Trig. Ericka wished me a happy birthday. That was nice. Then I proceeded to try and stay awake.
Then I went home and my mom had brownies made (Like I said, I don’t like cake) and there was ice cream in the freezer to put on top. Yay! :) But first we had pizza (FAVORITE). My sister and my niece were over, along with my brother, his girlfriend, and my nephew.
Oh, Lisa got me books! :D
And my sister Priscilla got me a $20 gift card for Bath and Body. CANDLES!! :D
Then we had brownies and stuff and then I was a zombie after that. I just wanted sleep, but no one was leaving, so finally I was just like, eff this, I don’t care to be a good host. I was like “I’m showering so I can sleep.”
And then I went to bed at 7:30. hahaha
I don’t feel like going into details about what made my birthday crap, cause it just brings me down. Just know it was pretty much like all my other birthdays. And also, the one person I wanted to talk to yesterday, didn’t even look at me. I’m so done.